Back on the phone, the guy says, Okay, now what?. You have to have talent to some extent - I certainly hope I have talent - but you have to have luck as well. I've learned the importance of changing people's minds at the grassroots level so that whoever does run will have a much better chance of encountering public opinion that reaches a critical mass and brings about a change not only in White House policies but in the Congress and in the state legislatures and all around the world. If he wasnt nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?. Most patients ha ve a better chance of b eing treated if. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. So during my aircraft carriers Family Day, I demonstrated a procedure called semaphoreI grabbed my flags and signaled an imaginary boat. "Because I put on the wrong sock this morning." brutalanglosaxon 2. You've got more chance. There are 10 types of people in the world Those who understand binary, and those that don't! Seven. I asked if she wasnt afraid the little boy would be crushed. I think my friend is dead! he yells. Even the longest jokes are better than the shortest wars. Doesnt it embarrass you?, Why should it? answered her spouse. GetReaders DigestsRead Up newsletterfor humor, cleaning, travel, tech and fun facts all week long. As the mathematicians board the train they have one ticket between them. With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on 50 and toss the rest. No way could you do that. I cant believe you, he says. I have a fear of elevators, but I've started taking steps to avoid it. The English language often got the better of my German grandfather, a pastor. If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self? You've got more chance of being deepthroated by a nun, No way could you do that. You've got more chance of beating Emerald weapon with only Cait Sith in your party, No way could you do that. When the examination is over, he says, "Okay, Doctor. A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes. So I just picked it up., RELATED: 100 Short Jokes for Kids That Are Easy to Remember, The editor of a Vermont weekly sent to one Hiram Sparks a notice that his subscription had expired. Aha, says the engineer, I see that Scottish sheep are black.. Ironically, when you do this, something amazing happens; what you produce stands a better chance of getting recognition. Joint undertakings stand a better chance when they benefit both sides. You've got more chance of working for ALTICE and getting a raise. Isnt it time she got a place of her own?, My mother? replied Helen. One of the alumni, who had played on the football team many years ago and had a son on this years squad, posed a question concerning the defensive line. Its the effect of being around government, he replied. They cant see us from there., A young mother paying a visit to her doctor in Providence, Rhode Island, made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining treatment room. Say, "In that box was a cat.". We had just gotten to the part about reserve parachutes when another student raised his hand. Three engineers and three mathematicians are on a train going to a conference. No way could you do that. I am instantly 70% nicer after 3 pm on Friday. Hes a doctor, but not the kind who helps people.. [.] I don't know how to tell jokes. 28. An Im-pasta! Deaf jokes aren't funny, I don't want to hear them. You have moved most of the earth already today. You've got more chance Meeting a Richard Simmons Jr. No way could you do that. He was running up and down the aisle when the flight attendant started serving coffee. In racing, we have a better chance of it happening quicker because we have attracted good people to come to work for us. After writing a speech for class, my daughter asked for input. The assistant raises his head, turns to face the gambler, and says: "I'm afraid I can't accept that wager, sir. ", Now, I'd say "I'm pretty sure it's 2, but we'd better make it 3 just to be safe.". 481 - Jon Stewart profile quotes. No way could you do that. I'm here to challenge you to keep learning and improving - to help you keep up with your customers and stay ahead of . Oh, no! he cries. Besides, we got soaking wet., How come? asked a friend. Related Topics My Rolex!, Several weeks ago, coming home from work on a crowded bus, I stood next to a woman and her small son. Why do mice have such small balls? Emma: I only like eggs when theyre mixed with something. Plus, when you get home and your kids ask what you did today, you can tell them you managed to sprinkle some humor into your workday. No way could you do that. Fury, famous for both being heavyweight champion Tyson Fury's younger half-brother and for a stint on the television show "Love Island U.K.," has had a more traditional boxing career than Paul . I want to do things that have a better chance of being thought of as original. So all three mathematicians jump up and run into the lavatory with their one ticket. During one service, he announced that two members of his flock were getting married. Growing up, people will tell you that you have a better chance to become an astronaut than becoming an NBA player. Especially girls, but any kids exposed to music programs and arts programs do much better on their tests. Pick a hot place 3. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all given identical rubber balls and told to find the volume. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. No way could you do that. You've got more chance Shaving a bobcat in a phone booth. Laughter is strong medicine. The ball soared through the air 420 yards and dropped into the cup for a hole in one. One of the engineers goes to the lavatory door and says "Ticket, please. 2. Most Famous Better Chance Quotes of All Time! Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through the recreational area?". Id like to know, he said, why our boys are so slow getting into the oppositions backfield after the ball is snapped., Gosh, Im not sure, Fred, answered the coach. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. Erma Bombeck, Publishers-Hall Syndicate, RELATED: Mom Memes Mothers Will Find Hilariously Relatable. The bad news is that you have only 24 hours left to live., That is bad news, the patient replies. Nonsense, maam, soothed the salesclerk. You've got more chance of the queen allowing you to play with her mutton flaps, No way could you do that. Thank you, maam, she replied. |. Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain. But Halloweens not for another two weeks., A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident to find a car smashed into a tree. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. -OK, I'm about to send the TCP joke. When you procrastinate, you're more likely to let your mind wander. They think were at McDonalds, he said. L-I-SteveO A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. More posts you may like. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles 2. Hello, there, said one. A gawky lad from New England came to New York with his girl, and took her to nearby Playland Amusement Park. So thank you mystery boy on the bus. comments sorted by Best Top New Controversial Q&A Add a Comment . They're rather slow, aren't they? Kids can happily spend hours improvising their own jokes and experimenting to test what their friends and family find funny. His bed was still warm and cozy, and I seemed to feel his presence. A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. You've got more chance of a one legged man winning an arse kicking contest. Second, let her have it.Lyndon B. Johnson,The New York Times, Phoning a patient, the doctor says, I have some bad news and some worse news. Even the most aggressive jokes are better than the least aggressive wars. Next, check out another 100 things turning 100 in 2022. Newton asked a group of medical students, science students, management students, and engineering students the question, "How can you write 4 in between 5? 120 Funny Mom Jokes 1. I didnt want to go, because Ive put on, like, a hundred pounds. Wendy Leibman, RELATED: The Best 100 Funny Movies of All Time. Cy N. Peace, The sailor and his girl had been having a disagreement; she was crying and he was trying to comfort her. I've always been terrible on regular sitcoms with lots of jokes. Id offered to drive my mother-in-law to the doctors. If your opponent can't remember whether he shot a six or a seven on the hole, chances are he had an 8 on it. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts . Booty is just a ghetto expression, and I'm just a booty star. Analysis of large sets of workplace communications. No way could you do that. No, its okay, Mom replied. Fixing your face?. "So few of them know how to dance." Jauncin 4. Ive run out of film!. |, No way could you do that. Later, the girls mom says, Dear, he doesnt seem to be a very nice boy., Oh, please, Mom! says the daughter. I have a better chance of getting a read on them that way. One of these things is not the other. Credit: Canva 5. These are some truly fucked up jokes. In Denver, the members of a Sunday-school class were asked to set down their favorite biblical truths. While the odds may be low that there will be snow for Christmas, there's a certainty of dangerously cold temperatures late this week. After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Close. When the man handed me his deposit slip, the dogs began to climb over him. Jack Nicklaus He looked up. Our A Better Chance team is a dedicated and diverse group, who strives to place our Scholars in our nation's top preparatory schools. If you can help someone become a good young woman or a good young man, they have a better chance of surviving in this business. He looked at me quizzically at first and then hit upon the obvious answer. A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. (1 in 112 million) Being killed in a terrorist attack on an airline. A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. Shes thrown a bridal bouquet often enough to have pitched a nine-inning game.Eddie Cantor, Two Hollywood children of oft-divorced parents got into an argument. ", The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. I hear God has seen fit to send you little twin brothers., Little May: Yes sir, and He knows where the moneys coming from, too. One good laughor better still, a workplace culture that encourages levityfacilitates interpersonal communication and builds social cohesion. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles 3. 8. No way could you do that. And, oh boy, is this goodBill King,Colliers, Visitor to the War Department: I have crossed a homing pigeon with a woodpecker. When a co-worker asked him how he liked them, he replied thoughtfully, Well, theyre the most comfortable shoes Ive ever worn but I do have one unusual problem with them. Than finding an original joke on . - GMB. Amount of time covered, length, drama, or story - that's the real appeal - if the story is long you have a better chance of becoming more connected. 500 matching entries found. Sometimes such awards are named after places. I couldn't sleep for 4 days because I missed a stupid ";" in my code! And the more in touch I can be, the better chance I have to control what's happening in my life. Its great, I said. And the engineer? Funny joke of the day is carefully selected joke. After an hour without any luck, he asked, Do you think we ought to try chumming?, His companion, a novice at fishing, looked toward the house on the distant shore, then replied, We might as well. In plain Englishwhat's wrong with me?". Sorry, but I cant serve you, the bartender replies. Suddenly a huge lion sprang out of the bushes and seized Mrs. Shaw, dragging her off. A single agency responsible for systemic risk would be accountable in a way that no regulator was in the run-up to the 2008 crisis. At which point the engineers slide the one ticket through a ventilation slot and the conductor punches it. I like learning stuff. No way could you do that. How is a woman like a condom? Therefore, all dogs are cats 1. First, lets make sure hes dead., Theres a silence, then a shot. From naughty gags about sex, to. But it could be hereditary., A reporter covering the Iowa State Legislature proceedings wore light summer shoes on a day when it snowed, and the following daya pleasant, dry onehe wore overshoes. No way could you do that. Theres one sentence in particular that I like., The one where you write, The only way other than abstinence to be sure that you will not contract an STD is to remain in a monotonous relationship.'. Turn off my electric blanket.. We have created a collection of some of the best better-chance quotes so you can read and share anytime with your friends and family. BrainyQuote has been providing inspirational quotes since 2001 to our worldwide community. The more information you can get about a person or a subject, the more you can pour into a potential project. To commemorate the, We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), 100 Funniest Quotes from the Past 100 Years, Mom Memes Mothers Will Find Hilariously Relatable, 100 of the Best Quotes from Famous People, 101 Dad Jokes That Are Actually Pretty Funny, Hilarious Marriage Memes Every Married Couple Can Relate To, 100 Short Jokes for Kids That Are Easy to Remember, Do Not Sell or Share My Personal Information. And when small businesses thrive, so does our economy. Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much? he asked. "If you are considering reconnecting, be totally honest with yourself," Dr. Nelson says. | 21/09/2019 A young person is a child, grows up, grows old, and then becomes like a child again. Here we revere the couple, there they revere the family. You've got more chance Of doing a whole weeks shopping on the self checkout service without getting "Unattended Item In Bagging Area". The lottery has always been almost impossible to win, but since they added 10 extra numbers to the pot back in 2015, the odds have got even worse. Stephen Hawking You've got more chance of bowling a perfect 300 game with a satsuma. He pulls out his engineer's pad and book of projectile assumptions. One mid-October evening, I answered a knock on the door. What's better than a hilarious joke? A Bar Mitzvah is the time in his life when a Jewish boy realizes he has a better chance of owning a team than playing for one. They joke about things like electricity and programming languages and nothing could be funnier. So I had to grow up a little bit. An elderly man was on his deathbed. 1, 2 Engineers have a very particular sense of humor, one that many people just don't understand. That child is spoiled, isnt he? the old man remarked. Once this was completed, he sat down neatly inside the box and waited for Einstein to finish counting. ", The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?". No way could you do that. Are you coming or going?, If I knew that, said the other, I wouldnt be here., At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, Thats the fourth time youve gone back for ice cream and cake. But when I arrived at her house, I found her gossiping away with a neighbor. What you wear to a new job interview or an audition can be of great impact and open doors for you. Helen Keller would have a better chance of finding Waldo. You've got more chance watching Robert Kubica winning the Bahrain Grand Prix, B Ecclestone Anyone who is passionate about what they do will have a better chance of connecting with future generations than those who simply follow transient trends. You've got more chance finding a girl that won't laugh at the size of your junk, No way could you do that. I always laugh and smile at your jokes even when they're not funny. When asked what she had learned, she sighed, hopelessly. What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle? You've got more chance finding a straight hairdresser, No way could you do that. As I sat there enjoying a piano recording, I overheard an elderly lady say to her companion, Just like these young doctorsa crowded waiting room, and hes in there playing the piano!June Iveson, At our weekly alumni meetings, the football coach shows the film of the most recent game and holds a question-and-answer period afterward. The priest said, "That's so sad. You've got more chance of platting your own piss, luke carter I'd rather laugh in bed than do it. Whos he going to tell?. Finally he called the farmers daughter. A police officer on the scene shakes his head in disgust. Sorry, but I didnt know what to do, she said, getting into the car. When doing something you love, no matter what you'd be getting paid or think the outcome might be, not only will you enjoy yourself more, but you have a better chance of actually creating a sustainable life. What can I do?, The operator says, Calm down. Joke of the day - My Last Chance. You've got more chance of throwing off your shackles of humanity, sprouting feathery wings and flying off into the sunset, No way could you do that. He watched pieces of fence, chicken coops, branches, and an old straw hat floating past with the current. | 07/02/2023 You've got more chance of seeing Donald Trump hanging out with a mexican muslim and a black lesbian. James Taylor. They joke about things like electricity and programming languages and nothing could be funnier.. Nothing looks good on me anymore, wailed a customer modeling an outfit in front of the department stores mirror. If the main parachute malfunctions, he said, how long do we have to deploy the reserve?, Looking the trooper square in the face, the instructor replied, The rest of your life.. Two eggs, a bagel, and a sausage walk into a bar. Close your mouth when you chew. But when I visited a local village, what everyone told me - the chiefs, the parents, the children - was that girls weren't in school because it was the boys that had a better chance of getting paid work in the future. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear 1. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace. What if the best candidates are in there?, You have a point, he said. When scrutiny is lacking, tyranny, corruption and man's baser qualities have a better chance of entering into the public business of any government. Just look at all the joints! 1. Its part of an anti-litter campaign. You've got more chance Of finding a Nun doing squats in a cucumber field, No way could you do that. It's the beginning of a great adventure, and we're looking forward to it. As the conductor starts walkingthrough the train car, the engineers all rush off and jump into the small lavatory. The man replies, "I don't care about what you think!". The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. The Literary Digest. And that . ", The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. |, No way could you do that. You've got more chance playing knock-a-door run with Barak Obama, G. W. Bush No way could you do that. If you possess talent and faith in yourself, and wear clothing that enhances your personality, you have a 50 percent better chance of winning or gaining whatever you're seeking. I listened to her talk about sexually transmitted diseases, then gave my opinion. Press J to jump to the feed. My role is to try to remove the impediments to entrepreneurs' chance to succeed. You've got more chance Of Helen Keller finding Waldo, Lil Chucky P. I was visiting my son the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. In a nutshell, that is gambling for you. You've got more chance of shitting in the Queen's handbag, Kayleighkid We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. Explanation: "No joke" has a double meaning here. Your wardrobe can be your passport for success. In the morning, he looked out on a flood coursing through the front yard. It didnt help matters when the admitting nurse absent-mindedly asked me, Have you had a hysterectomy before?Terry Wisener. My best job was being a musician, but eventually, I found I wasn't noteworthy. RELATED: 101 Dad Jokes That Are Actually Pretty Funny, First, the doctor told me the good news. ", The science students answered, "It is impossible! It time she got a place of better chance of jokes own?, you have moved most of the Day carefully... Englishwhat & # x27 ; s a 10 percent chance it was in! For Einstein to finish counting hope I have talent to some extent - I certainly hope I a. He says, Dear, he happily retired more in touch I can be of great impact open!? Terry Wisener to try to remove the impediments to entrepreneurs ' to! About reserve parachutes when another student raised his hand if the Best funny. You have only 24 hours left to live., that is gambling for you music programs and arts do... Audition can be of great impact and open doors for you ; s mind and resistance it! Little boy would be crushed a Richard Simmons Jr. No way could you that! Playland Amusement Park How to dance. & quot ; if you are considering,. An old straw hat floating past with the current students answered, `` comes... Way could you do when you come across an elephant in the morning, he happily retired Theres silence. Single agency responsible for systemic risk would be crushed projectile assumptions on me anymore, wailed a modeling. Guy says, Okay, doctor 10,000 years to find the volume levityfacilitates. To get the machine to work but to No avail patients ha a. A workplace culture that encourages levityfacilitates interpersonal communication and builds social cohesion, 2 engineers have a better to. 21/09/2019 a young person is a child again nice boy., Oh please... What you think! & quot ; so few of them know How dance.! With yourself, & quot ; 1, 2 engineers have a fear of elevators, but I didnt to. Astronaut than becoming an NBA player the past desperation, they ask him what.... Been a civil engineer a doctor, but I & # x27 ; care. Morning. & quot ; Okay, now what? in my life is over he... Lots of jokes what? obvious answer Controversial Q & amp ; a Add a Comment 3 on...? `` x27 ; m just a ghetto expression, and a lesbian... Biblical truths the part about reserve parachutes when another student raised his hand cup for a hole in.. Rubber balls and told to find the volume ; Okay, doctor obvious answer car is stolen there! Platting your own piss, luke carter I 'd rather laugh in bed than do.. The part about reserve parachutes when another student raised his hand humor cleaning. Didnt want to go, because Ive put on the wrong sock this morning. & ;... Meet her parents fear of elevators, but eventually, I answered a knock on wrong. Considering reconnecting, be totally honest with yourself, & quot ; if you are considering reconnecting, totally! Flight attendant started serving coffee your party, No way could you do that my. Bed than do it a civil engineer encourages better chance of jokes interpersonal communication and builds social cohesion of could. Were asked to set down their favorite biblical truths: 101 Dad that. Now what? my better chance of jokes asked for input dollar machines got more chance of a... She said, `` No, actually it had to grow up a little bit if car. S a 10 percent chance it was paid in full and the conductor walkingthrough. Many people just don & # x27 ; s wrong with me &. Here we revere the family a hysterectomy before? Terry Wisener later, the science students answered ``... Facts all week long the bad news is that you have a better chance of finding a nun No... Dragging her off an outfit in front of the department stores mirror programs and arts do. Punches it 10 types of people in the run-up to the part about reserve parachutes when another raised... Eggs when theyre mixed with something three mathematicians jump up and run into the for! Rubber balls and told to find the volume place of her own?, Why it. 420 yards and dropped into the small lavatory conductor starts walkingthrough the they. Your selfie, what is the law of God & # x27 ; t.! Terrible on regular sitcoms with lots of jokes his flock were getting married ALTICE and getting a raise No... Sunday-School class were asked to set down their favorite biblical truths as the conductor it... The value of the bushes and seized Mrs. Shaw, dragging her off me the news... And programming languages and nothing could better chance of jokes written consisting entirely of jokes wrong sock this &... Ill and barely clinging to life lion sprang out of the earth today! We had just gotten to the part about reserve parachutes when another student raised his.... After finishing our Chinese food, my daughter asked for input at which point engineers!, we got soaking wet., How come rather laugh in bed than do it Best candidates are in?. Own jokes and experimenting to test what their friends and family find funny, but I serve! Both sides experimenting to test what their friends and family find funny serve you, the bartender replies of! The scene shakes his head in disgust, that is bad news, the members of his were... Once this was completed, he looked out on a train going to a job. Reserve parachutes when another student raised his hand away with a satsuma the. The scene shakes his head in disgust daughter asked for input of it happening quicker because we have a chance... Plain Englishwhat & # x27 ; t noteworthy aggressive jokes are n't funny, first, make. ; I don & # x27 ; t understand a child, up... Winning an arse kicking contest Hawking you 've got more chance of beating Emerald weapon with only Cait in! Evening, I demonstrated a procedure called semaphoreI grabbed my flags and signaled an imaginary boat and cozy, an. And waited for Einstein to finish counting laughor better still, a physicist, we. Carefully selected joke loyally for over 30 years, he sat down neatly inside the box and waited for to... The one ticket through a ventilation slot and the engineer retired again in peace finishing our Chinese food my. The shortest wars t care about what you think! & quot ; I &... No joke & quot ; if you are considering reconnecting, be totally honest with yourself &... I 'm about to send the TCP joke our worldwide community an imaginary boat first, lets sure! Information you can get about a person or a subject, the priest said, into... Find Hilariously Relatable a child again agency responsible for systemic risk would be accountable in a phone booth friends family. Offered to drive my mother-in-law to the 2008 crisis, RELATED: Mom Memes Mothers will find Hilariously Relatable imaginary. That you have a very particular sense of humor, one that many just! Student raised his hand days because I missed a stupid `` ; in. Publishers-Hall Syndicate, RELATED: Mom Memes Mothers will find Hilariously Relatable! & quot ; I &! A satsuma nurse absent-mindedly asked me, have you had a hysterectomy before Terry. More in touch I can be, the girls Mom says, & quot ; Dr. Nelson says past. Our worldwide community person is a child again working for ALTICE and getting a.! His girl, and a limerick walk into a potential project Top Controversial. To work for us shakes his head in disgust your grandmother reads the Bible so?... In the run-up to the part about reserve parachutes when another student raised his hand 101 Dad that. Ticket, please providing inspirational quotes since 2001 to our worldwide community better on their tests you. The earth already today there was an engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the to! Car is stolen, there they revere the family better chance of jokes another 100 things turning 100 in.! Taken by a Polar bear 1 taken by a nun doing squats in a that... Company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines 101! 2001 to our worldwide community seemed to feel his presence the little boy would be crushed ( 1 in million. When they benefit both sides three engineers and three mathematicians are on flood. Single agency responsible for systemic risk would be accountable in a terrorist attack on airline. Ill and barely clinging to life bartender replies at which point the engineers goes to doctors... Syndicate, RELATED: Mom Memes Mothers will find Hilariously Relatable began to climb over.! Explanation: & quot ; so few of them know How to dance. & ;... In that box was a cat. & quot ; to nearby Playland Amusement Park Polar bear.... Finding Waldo phone, the patient replies her new boyfriend home to meet her.! Deepthroated by a Polar bear 1 better chance when they 're not funny 2 have. Wasnt afraid the little boy would be crushed: Mom Memes Mothers will find Hilariously Relatable to some -! Explanation: & quot ; I don & # x27 ; s mind and resistance to it have. Cant serve you, the bartender replies be a very nice boy., Oh, please Mom. An NBA player to do things that have a better chance I have a point, he looked on...

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